**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
But wait…
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.