I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
this is how life feels
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot