The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
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My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Just a friendly reminder!
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂