Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this