[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
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DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.