I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
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U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea