My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
everyone has that one prude friend
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.