C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
The booster protects against what, now?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?