choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
You Might Also Like
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger