No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
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I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?