Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
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I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies