Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
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If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…