Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
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Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
How to draw a duck