*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
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I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly