My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
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*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Meanwhile in Portland…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.