“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I鈥檓 not angry, just disappointed.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Whoa 馃槀
Don鈥檛 worry, you鈥檙e not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what鈥檚 so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I鈥檇 stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don鈥檛 like cold places but really it鈥檚 because the drawing was shit