Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
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Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’