50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
You Might Also Like
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
japanese corn
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
they split up moments later
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye