glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
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Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I am also baked goods
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.