Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
You Might Also Like
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Beware of the dog..
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.