I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope