“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
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If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted