Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
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Leaving the Barbers like
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot