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[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Every BBC series about the universe.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.