*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?