I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
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spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.