Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
You Might Also Like
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry