[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.