Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”