It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Found the job I’m suited for
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now