are they though??
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.