Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school