Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!