turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
back to work
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*