I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
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“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.