The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
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[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
My work here is done
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk