What
You Might Also Like
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity