WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
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I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Oh no
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.