Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
You Might Also Like
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
hackers play passwordle
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
A small tragedy.