Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
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pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*