sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Mornin
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”