My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
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“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”