Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Sounds like a bargain