“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
my dog when i have a friend over
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.