Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
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*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
August 8
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
January has been Januweary
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.