The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
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You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY