me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
True
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.