Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
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The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.