Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.