When customers come in 6 hours before closing
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*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I am patiently waiting for your email
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.